Aware of it or not, we never have conversations without at least one intention.
We share memes to make people laugh and to be seen as funny. We share useful information to help people and to be seen as smart. We ask someone about their problem because we are worried or just curious.
Conflicts happen when the intention between two persons is mismatched.
The most common case is when there's difference in preference. For example, it's a conversation where two persons are extreme opposites: while the intention of one is to praise it, the opposite of the other is to judge and criticize it. Those kinds of conversations usually don't end well.
Another situation that can cause conflicts is when people can't stop talking about what you don't give a shit.
Taking different approaches to the same problem can also cause conflict, but it's usually the good kind of conflict.
For example, heated discussions played a key role in the Wright brothers' invention of the world's first airplane:
"At times, after an hour or more of heated argument, they would find themselves as far from agreement as when they started, except that each had changed to the other's original position." - The Wright Brothers
But it's only good when it's done right.
More often than not, what I see when someone convinces me isn't "I will show you why I think this is the best way. Let's also show me your solution.", but more like "I think this is the best way because I like it the most. You should think so, too."
Another common intention mismatch occurs when both love something, but while one wants to enjoy it only, the other wants to learn more about it.
They assume their intentions aren't mismatched because they both show enthusiasm for the topic. One example is when both love food, but the motivation of one is to eat, while the motivation of the other is to cook. Their underlying motivations aren't the same.
But isn't the combination of a person who loves to cook and a person who loves to eat the best? In some cases, it is. But there are also times when the one who loves cooking wants to talk about cooking, but the one who loves eating doesn't care about cooking.
When we have conflicts, we usually try to make them think like us. We make them like/hate the things we like/hate. We convince them to do things our way.
But changing people is hard. I can think of two reasons why it's.
The first reason is because we are just different. Differences in genes, living experiences, beliefs, gender, and race give us different preferences.
Some people enjoy consuming, while others prefer producing. Some seek enjoyment, while others crave finding the truth and being challenged. Some like to like everything, while others like to hate everything.
Because it takes decades to form preferences, we can't just spend five minutes talking and hope to change someone's accumulated preferences.
The difference in familiarity also contributes to the difficulty of changing people.
For example, whenever I share something I like with my friends, their usual question is, "Why do you like it?" The same is true when they share what they love with me.
We are cautious about new things. We ask questions, checking if it's harmful/wasting time/suitable/fun/useful. But once we get used to something, we just enjoy liking (or hating) it without further questions.
So there are two steps:
1) We are cautious and have many questions about whether we should commit to it.
2) We commit to it or not (which is to like/hate/learn more about it).
This means that when we convince people to change their stance, we either push them from step 1 to step 2, which forces them to like or hate something without letting them validate it themselves, or pull them from step 2 back to step 1, which invalidates their preference by making them doubt it again. Either way, forcing someone to change their stance is not easy.
So changing people is hard. What are the other ways to deal with conflicts?
The best way to deal with conflicts is to not have any conflicts from the beginning. Prevention is always better than cure.
But since you need to know someone well to prevent sensitive topics and you can't understand EVERYONE well, there are topics you can't prevent.
Luckily, you can always change topics if you see the dangers lurking in the current conversation. As long as you are not in an interview, where you have no control over the topic, in a normal conversation, as long as you make the transition smooth, few people notice.
But what if you don't want to change the topic even when you know it may cause conflicts? What if you have already avoided the topic so many times that you want to solve it this time for good?
Although conflicts bring negativity, there are times when conflicts are needed.
Be ready for their unreadiness. Be ready to try to understand their reasons even when they sound unreasonable.
It won't be easy, but it may be necessary.